But what if I want what I had?
Let's be honest. I'm a classic case of "the grass is always greener". Perhaps I always have been. Maybe I just really see it these days. It seems much more evident now, this month of August 2013, than it ever has been before. In any case, I spent most of the last few years thinking it HAD to be better somewhere else. It just had to be if there was any fairness or justice in the world. But you already know this.
I've been in a funk for the last few weeks. A gigantic, I-hate-everything funk. It popped out of nowhere. I'm crying, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm discouraged, I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm....all kinds of things.
I had a hard time figuring out what was wrong until I looked at the calendar.*
School is starting without me. School in Alaska where I had a place, school in Pennsylvania where I never had a place, and school in Missouri where I can't find a place.
*Okay, that's a lie. I knew this would happen. I just didn't want to think about it.
This is only the second time since 1991 that I haven't had a participatory plan or part in the beginning of a school year (there was that year, 2009, when we moved to Alaska in September, so there was no school for me).
I love the first month of school. What teacher doesn't? In fact, my heart is starting to ache a lot just thinking about how I'm not putting the finishing touches on my classroom and labeling file folders right now. And it has nothing to do with buying new pens and notebooks. It's a feeling. The feeling of fall in the air. The smell of a school in August. The kids in brand new sneakers. It's something that only teachers can really appreciate. Nothing compares to the smell of a school in August.
So, in order to take off the rose-colored glasses, I'm trying to remind myself of November, December, January, February, March, and most of April. I'm trying to think back to the cold, the dark, the wind, the feeling of depression, and the lack of vitamin D. Because I would be in love with my job for the first couple of months of each school year. When winter and darkness set in, it'd all be over. I'd cry. I'd whine. I'd wear 7 layers and second-coat. I'd keep my headband on all day. Heck, I had to post pictures of myself wearing real clothes everyday...just to hold me accountable for trying! That's what winter in Alaska did to me. That's what I have to remember.
Remember this nonsense?
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